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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

The Sage Endith

When I started writing this blog way back when (ok not that long) and I put at the top that it would be about my stitching and an opportunity for me to moan to you all I never in a zillion years ever expected to be writing anything I have in the past couple of weeks but would like to take this opportunity of thanking everyone for their support and allowing me to get all this stuff off my chest. I do have a husband to talk to but I really didn't want sympathy - I'm not good at that - I just wanted impartial advice and this I got and thank you all for as well as the hugs cause I really need them.

Well I decided on Monday to speak to Jill but fortunately or unfortunately I couldn't get hold of her then so called yesterday. After reading Heather's mail I re-read it a few times and that got me thinking about my wedding and how much I hated it and I have been so determined over the years never to repeat the faults of either my mother or mother-in-law and here I was about to do pull a stunt like my mother-in-law was so fond of pulllng - you know the not speaking to people one. Yes I have done this in the last few years but only when it was really really deserved and certainly with no one as important as my sisters. I was told by an ex-friend that I decided to stop speaking to because they were inordinately rude at my son & future daughter-in-law's engagement party to other friends of mine and this I will not tolerate and when I expressed my disgust at the way they acted I was told that I was 'right up my ass' but I really don't know what this means - I really mean this, but guess it's nothing nice that's for sure. I would never ever be rude in somebody else's home and expect the same respect in mine.

Boy oh boy did I digress. Anyway I phoned her getting through yesterday and one of the first things she said was that she was aware that I knew about the so-called party. I replied that the only way she could have known that I knew was either through Linda (sister no. 3) or my children and my children certainly hadn't said anything so it had to be Linda who wasn't getting involved - guess she did get involved where she wanted to but I'm keeping my mouth shut until after the wedding on that one, and was told that I was taking this all out of proportion. I personally didn't think I was and still don't for that matter. Jill said that I had upset her and I said if I had why didn't she come and confront me or tell me and she said she couldn't be bothered so I replied that obviously this relationship means more to me than her. Then she said that she was sick and tired of the way I always said my mother, my aunt, my cousin and she knew who they were and why didn't I just say mum or Auntie Maureen or Julie and I replied that I also said my sister it was just the way I said things. I told everyone that I'm not good thinking on my feet and I always think up the really good answers afterwards and just as usual I did. I say that because they are mine. My mother was my mother - mine and my brother's. Then I said I knew this would happen it would end up being all my fault one way or another. She then apologised and said that she had nothing to do with this dinner - David had arranged it with his best friend and he had done the inviting and had even invited a couple from the Village where they live that Jill couldn't stand. Then I really felt great - NOT!! He could invite neighbors she didn't like but not us. Charming!

Anyway I decided before I made this phone call that I was not doing to finish this relationship come hell or high water and that I wasn't going to spoil my son's wedding (you see here I go again - MY SON) - his name is James - or his relationship with his cousins either or Sara's (my elder daughter) or Stacy's (my younger daughter) or their relationships with my sisters either. They have been their aunts and their cousins since they were born and they all get along really beautifully and I would hate to be the cause of the destruction of this.

So the outcome is I am going to let go of this for now anyway. Originally I said that I just wanted her to know that I knew but somehow this hasn't made a lot of difference. I'm usually not a grudge holder but I don't remember being this hurt in a very long time. If I had been invited and they weren't going to invite Lynn I sure would have stuck my oar in and said something like 'you can't leave her out'. But it wasn't her that was being left out it was me and as far as I know she didn't interfere. Well that just goes to show how dumb I really am. Not dumb in intelligence but in relationships that's for sure.

Ok I'm stopping this now and the next mail I will be doing will be back to my stitching - because I haven't stitched in 2 weeks and it's about time I started again. So the moaning is now stopped and I will get back to my usual happy self.

Thanks to everyone once again I really really appreciated everything you guys have said it has been of enormous help. And Heather I am so sorry you don't speak to your parents anymore and that your mother spoiled your wedding - it can't be undone but hey try and make it better. I know it will never be the same as it once was but you only have one set of parents and when they are gone there is nothing you can say to them anymore no matter how much you wish you can.

P.S. I was wrong yet again. It wasn't Lynn (sister no. 3) that spoke to Jill but my son James. I spoke to him this morning and he said he really didn't want to get involved but he had a bit and hoped I wasn't angry with him. I told him I wasn't and I truly am not and really glad he told me because now I know that my youngest sister really didn't get involved true to her word and believe iy or not this makes me feel heaps better and this is truly going to bed now it's totally over and done with.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

The Saga Continues

Firstly I wanted to say thank you all for your hugs and helpful comments they were all really appreciated but I have to tell you that it was no misunderstanding and was quite deliberate.

My youngest sister who, if you remember, I was sure had been invited to this party that I hadn't been invited to phoned this morning and said that she just realized that Passover was only two weeks away but that as I was making the Aufruf two weeks yesterday which includes a lunch for around 40 people after Synagogue (Temple) the Saturday before and first night Seder is the following Monday night would we like to come to her for the Seder? I said yes please that would be lovely because I didn't know how I was going to cope quite frankly as it was really my turn to do the for first night Seder. Anyway whilst I had her on the phone I said to her 'If I asked you a question would you give me an honest answer please' and she said that it depended but I asked her if David had had a party and if she and Tony (her husband) had gone and she said that David had had a party and she and Tony had been invited and had gone and she wasn't getting in the middle of anything. There will be no middle because as good as any of you think I have been it is stopping now. I told James today because after all it is his wedding but I don't want Jill (wife of David and my sister for past zillion years since my mother married their father) at the Aufruf or at the wedding either. It's all still too raw and I have done nothing else but cry today even though it is Mother's Day here in the U.K. and my children and grandchildren and son-in-law took me out for a wonderful lunch I'm sitting here typing this and crying. It just hasn't stopped in weeks and tonight I shall take a sleeping pill so that as least I will sleep.

I hope to feel better tomorrow because it's Lily's birthday party and Jill's daughter and grandson will be there and there is no way that she is to blame so I will have to be nice but will find it really hard. Wish I didn't have to go but I do. You know something? If I have done something to upset Jill she should have told me not done something so horrible. I never would have before but I sure will now. I just couldn't be nice to her in public, and what's more I don't want to be. James said he understood how I feel but he wants to know why. I am so sorry to see this come to an end because we have been two families united as one for a very long time, in fact most of my life, well since I was 16 anyway. But I'm afraid that it will now be at an end.

My friends Janice, Bryan, Geraldine & Jayne have been brilliant I just have to say through all of this and listening to me and watching me be so upset.

I will write again this week because I am too upset right now but I just wanted you that read this blog of mine to know what has been going on.

This is quite a few hours after I wrote the above but I have finally realised why I am so upset. I am really upset at the death of a relationship that has spanned over 40 years. We used to be really close Jill and me but over the last 5 and a half years since my mother passed away it has been deteriorating and I have watched Linda and Jill become closer and closer which is fine as they are really blood sisters. But now I realise that our relationship is completely dead and gone and this is what is upsetting me more than anything else.

My mother remarried all those years ago because she needed a husband - neither I nor my brother Brian needed a father. Our father had been larger than life and twice as big. My poor brother didn't want to leave New Jersey in the first place and come to England to live and I know he didn't want to be sent off to boarding school the day after my mother remarried because he was an inconvenience. My step-father needed a wife and mother to his two younger daughters.

My mother and step-father - Alf - knew each other for 9 weeks and only spent the weekends together during those 9 weeks as we lived in the Leeds and Alf lived in London. Jill and Lynn lived with an elderly aunt during the week whilst they went to school and only came home at the weekends and that remained so for the first 7 months after they married. But we mostly did integrate and liked each other though I was much more rebellious and a problem with a mouth than they were because as I said above I did not need a father and didn't particularly want to leave Leeds where I had made friends and actually liked my life even though I still missed my Dad inordinately but couldn't even talk about him anymore. But they did need a mother and consequently were really really good and here was me mouthy and anything but good.

I do not doubt that they loved each other eventually but I truly believe that they were attracted to each other in the beginning and nothing more. Please don't get me wrong my step-father was a lovely lovely man and I did come to love him dearly and hated the way he passed away.

When my mother was dying the year after Alf passed away I sat in the hospital room on my own for 3 days and the only people that came were Jacquie (the eldest) and my daughters and of course my husband came but after all this was my mother so sit for three days and nights I did because I was determined she wasn't going to die alone. James came on the last night and he sat with me all night as she lay dying eventhough I had phoned My brother who was down in Brighton with Jill who professed to love my mother neither of them would come up to London even though I said she was dying and Jill said she couldn't go through that again. Surely it's not what you can go through that counts then. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to.

My late mother wanted it to be like we were one big happy family but my American mouth sure put paid to that one. But it was good and I'm sure she is now turning in her grave at what has happened to her family that she wanted to pretend was just one big happy family.

So I am really sad at the death of part of this conjoined family. And that's all from me tonight except to reiterate how sad I am. And off to bed I am going now as I have been awake since just after 6:30 this morning because my darling grandchildren who are really the loves of my life after my husband and children woke me up. But I couldn't have been woken by a nicer noise.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

I have been really upset this week

I have been really really upset this week. You see I don't think I've ever said but I originally came from the States when my dad passed away just before I was 15 with my mother and brother. Really long story but to cut it short about 18 months after we arrived my mother re-married a really lovely man who lived in London and had three daughters. Anyway that was a really long time ago and we became one family.

Anyway last Saturday I spoke to one of my sisters, Jill, and she told me that it was her husband David's 60th birthday the following Monday - I had no idea when his birthday was because I suppose I just never asked and he is a newish husband although none of us are young anymore. So I asked what they were doing and she said nothing much they were just going out for a meal on Monday with some friends. Then on Monday I happened to speak to my cousin Julie who at the end of the conversation asked me if I was going to David's birthday party this Saturday and I said no I knew nothing about it. So, I am assuming (I know one should never assume but I am because they have become really close over the past four or five years) that Jill has asked Linda (youngest sister) and her husband to go but not me and my husband and this has upset me no end. The reason I haven't phoned Jill is because I don't want to start anything before my son's wedding but even if she hasn't asked Linda & Tony to go it's just not right as I would never ever do that and have never done it but apparently it's ok for her - well I can tell you it isn't ok and I'm sick of not sleeping this week and crying. Rest assured I shall say something after the wedding and that will be the end of everything. I have been hurt in my time on this earth but never quite so badly as this time and this has really really hurt and is still hurting and I'm going now. I just had to share this with someone and if nobody reads this so be it but at least I feel like I'm telling somebody.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Well it's been a while

I know I haven't been up to much. Just looking on the net and watching tv and going out and spending money on stuff and looking after my grandchildren which I love, of course. I've just been so lazy and writing emails too of course. So nothing much is happening here to even write about but thought I would just touch base is all and letting anyone and everyone that reads this that I am still alive and kicking and stitching


Ewe & Eye & Friends Petite Exemplary 2 and loving every single stitch I put into this. Well that's all from me for now. Will post a real picture of this when it's done.